When ‘I’m Sorry’ Makes Rejection Hurt More

This page summarizes the work "When Saying Sorry May Not Help: The Impact of Apologies on Social Rejections" by Freedman et al. (referenced below).

When Apologies Make Rejection Worse

Apologies are usually seen as a way to ease tension and repair harm. In many everyday situations, saying “I’m sorry” smooths over mistakes and shows care for the relationship. But in the case of rejection — saying no to an invitation, declining a friendship, or ending a relationship — apologies don’t work the way we expect. Research shows they can actually make rejection feel worse.

What the Research Looked At

Freedman, Burgoon, Ferrell, Pennebaker, and Beer (2017) studied apologies in the context of rejection across several experiments. They wanted to know: does saying “I’m sorry” reduce the sting of rejection, or does it make the situation more painful?

The research began with surveys of everyday conversations. Here, people reported how they usually phrased rejections. Nearly 40% included an apology, showing that many of us instinctively use “I’m sorry” as a softener.

The researchers then created experiments where participants imagined different rejection scenarios. Some versions included an apology, others did not. This allowed them to test whether the simple addition of “I’m sorry” changed how painful the rejection felt.

Finally, they went a step further with live interactions. In a lab task, participants were rejected face-to-face by another person. Afterwards, they had the chance to evaluate the situation and even express subtle forms of retaliation. This provided both self-report and behavioral evidence about the effects of apologizing.

What They Found

The results were consistent across methods: apologies in rejections do not reduce pain — they increase it.

• Apologies are common. About 39% of rejections included “I’m sorry,” showing that many people use apologies even when saying no.

• Rejections with apologies feel worse. In imagined scenarios, participants reported more hurt when the rejection included an apology. The simple phrase “I’m sorry” amplified the pain rather than easing it.

• Apologies provoke anger. In the live rejection experiment, those who were apologized to allocated more hot sauce to their rejector — a standard psychology measure of aggression. In other words, they acted out their frustration more strongly when the rejection was paired with an apology.

• Apologies add pressure. People felt socially obligated to forgive after hearing “I’m sorry,” but they did not feel more forgiving. Instead, they resented the mismatch: they were expected to let the matter go, even though the rejection still hurt.

Why Apologies Backfire in Rejection

The problem is not the words themselves, but the mismatch between what they do and what the situation needs. In rejection, “I’m sorry” does not change the outcome. The person is still turned down, and the pain of that remains. The apology simply draws more attention to the rejection and adds an expectation to accept it gracefully.

This creates a double burden: the hurt of being rejected and the pressure to act as though the apology made it better. Instead of helping, the apology highlights the pain while giving the rejected person no real way to resolve it.

Why This Matters

Most of us add “I’m sorry” when we reject someone, believing it makes us kinder. But the research suggests the opposite: in rejections, apologies tend to make people feel more hurt, more resentful, and less understood.

The lesson is not to reject people harshly, but to recognize that “I’m sorry” is not always the comfort we think it is. Clear, respectful communication may help more than an apology that offers no real relief.

Key Takeaways

• People often apologize when rejecting others, but research shows it rarely helps.

• Rejections with apologies are experienced as more painful, not less.

• Apologies create pressure to forgive without easing the rejection.

• In rejection, “I’m sorry” often helps the rejector feel better, not the rejected.

References

Freedman, G., Burgoon, E. M., Ferrell, J. D., Pennebaker, J. W., & Beer, J. S. (2017). When Saying Sorry May Not Help: The Impact of Apologies on Social Rejections. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 1375. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01375