Work-Benching

"Benching" in dating refers to keeping someone on the sidelines as a backup option in a relationship, similar to how a player sits on the bench in sports until needed. A person who benches others provides inconsistent attention and communication, just enough to maintain interest, but without committing to a real relationship, leaving the other person in a state of confusing uncertainty*. 

A similar experience, which I will refer to as work-benching, exists in the workplace. This is when your are participating in something, and your presence might be even encouraged, but you are not really engaged with in the same way as other people.

This is extremely hard to prove, because you are there, you might have been explicitly invited. But you feel that something is off. Somehow the others have their group, and you are very slightly and very subtly treated as a "nice-to-have", and it is clear to you that your presence does not matter to them as much as the presence of other people in the room. 

This could be expressed by you being forgotten or left out of work-related discussions, your opinion not taken as seriously as someone else's or other people getting more support in various ways.

This situation is devastating, because you feel that something is not right, but you cannot name it. In fact, a very long time might pass until you realize that there is something wrong. Before that, you start doubting yourself, wondering what it is in you that the others don't like. You start getting oversensitive and hyperaware. You become anxious and start overanalyzing people's words and actions, looking for a clue what might be wrong.

As weird as it might sound, it is harder when these people are nice. It would have been so much easier if they were assholes! Then you would know for sure that there is something wrong. But they might even be super kind and polite. How can they mean bad? Or they might be nice to others. Then is something in you making them stay away?

When you bring it up, they say that they do not have bad intentions, and remind you of situations where they explicitly invited you or helped you when you asked. You agree, these are the facts, and you know it. You have thought about this many times already and this was one of the main reasons that stopped you from raising the issue. You feel bad about offending them. 

The feeling doesn't go away, and if you bring it up again, you start sounding paranoid. And, come on, this is work, we should be professional, here are the facts we all see, don't take it personally. But because the visible facts are hard to disprove, the situation doesn't change, and as a result your feelings don't change. 

And this turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you feel bad, the more you overthink, the less you contribute, the more you are isolated... and it goes on and on and on and on...

Does this experience sound familiar? If so, you are not crazy. This kind of subtle dismissal is real and many people experience it. 

Speak up boldly, dwell on things if needed, be a pain in the ass. Be clear and firm if things are not working for you.

Do not keep it to yourself, and do not settle with excuses. The intent might not be bad, but the effect is.

If it feels bad, then it is bad, and you have the right to raise it.

Did a colleague share with you that they feel isolated? Please do not dismiss it. 

Even if it sounds small, this might have a huge effect on them. Sometimes people are not sure what is happening to them, so they might sound chaotic, this is not them being unreasonable.

If someone takes the risk of being seen as a complainer, they probably have something serious to say, they just might not yet know how to. Instead of getting defensive, try to reflect if you really want to work with this person. Either really, really include them, or be honest if something is not working.

Work-benching is a real and painful experience. If it feels bad, then it is bad, and should be addressed.

* Definition by Google Gemini.