What is Ostracism

This page summarizes the work "Ostracism: A temporal need-threat model" by Kipling Williams (referenced below).

What is Ostracism

Ostracism means being ignored or left out by others. It can be as small as people not returning your greeting, or as large as being pushed out of a group altogether. It happens in friendships, families, schools, online, and at work.

It is painful because it threatens four basic human needs: the need to belong, the need for self-esteem, the need for control, and the need for meaningful existence — the sense that you matter and are recognized by others.

What It Does to People

Even very small acts of exclusion cause immediate pain. Brain scans show that the same areas light up as when we feel physical pain. People describe it as feeling “invisible” or even “dead to others.”

In the short term, exclusion makes people upset and confused. They often replay events in their minds, looking for proof that it happened, or wondering if they misunderstood. In the long term, it wears people down. It can lead to withdrawal, depression, and sometimes a sense of hopelessness.

How is Ostracism Researched

Researchers have studied exclusion in both simple experiments and real-life accounts, and the results are remarkably consistent. In one of the best-known experiments, three people toss a ball back and forth. At first everyone is included, but then two players stop throwing the ball to the third. Even when this game lasts only a few minutes, the excluded person reports feeling sad, rejected, and worthless. This finding has been repeated many times, across different ages, cultures, and situations.

Online versions of the same task, known as Cyberball, show that exclusion over a screen feels just as painful as exclusion face-to-face. People left out of the virtual game report feeling less connected and valued, and some even say they feel physically colder. Brain imaging studies during Cyberball reveal that exclusion activates the same part of the brain that processes physical pain, the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex. This suggests that the “sting” of rejection is not just a metaphor — social pain is processed in the body in ways very similar to physical pain.

Other experiments show how exclusion changes behavior. When people are left out, they become hyper-alert to social cues. They recognize genuine smiles more quickly and pay closer attention to facial expressions, as if searching for signs of acceptance. In some contexts, however, exclusion leads people to push back. When exclusion also takes away control, participants are more likely to retaliate, for example by assigning others unpleasant tasks or behaving in ways designed to get a reaction. These studies suggest that exclusion can drive very different responses: sometimes compliance and conformity, sometimes defiance and anger.

Researchers have also looked at longer-term experiences. Interviews with people who have endured months or years of exclusion describe much deeper harm. Many speak of alienation, depression, and numbness, as if emotions have shut down. Some describe themselves as ghosts in their own communities, unseen and unheard. For a few, the experience has been so overwhelming that they report thoughts of not wanting to continue living. These accounts mirror what experiments predict: while short-term exclusion brings sharp pain, long-term exclusion gradually drains energy and leaves resignation behind.

How Ostracism Threatens Basic Needs

Kipling Williams’ Temporal Need–Threat Model (2009) explains why ostracism is so painful: it strikes at four fundamental human needs all at once. Unlike conflict or criticism, which at least acknowledge a person’s presence, ostracism is silence — and silence undermines every level of social being.

Belonging. Humans are strongly motivated to maintain social bonds. Ostracism signals that the bond has been broken or denied. Even a few minutes of exclusion in simple games like Cyberball is enough for people to feel disconnected from others.

Self-esteem. Exclusion communicates that a person is not valued. When others ignore greetings, contributions, or presence, it erodes feelings of worth and lowers confidence.

Control. Being ignored strips away influence. If others act as if you are not there, you cannot affect decisions or outcomes. This loss of control can lead people either to try harder to conform, or to lash out in frustration to regain a sense of power.

Meaningful existence. Perhaps the deepest threat is to the sense that one matters at all. Williams notes that ostracism creates feelings of invisibility, sometimes described as being “like a ghost” or “dead to others.” This denial of acknowledgment is what makes ostracism uniquely painful.

Because ostracism undermines all four needs simultaneously, its impact is profound. Laboratory studies show that people feel these threats within minutes. Long-term exclusion depletes the ability to cope, often leaving people numb, alienated, and depressed.

The Stages of Exclusion

Williams describes ostracism as unfolding in three stages: reflexive, reflective, and resignation.

The first is the reflexive stage, the instant hurt. Ostracism is detected extremely quickly, even from the smallest cues. A missed eye contact, a conversation going quiet, a ball not thrown in a game — these moments are enough. Humans are wired to notice exclusion almost automatically, because throughout history being left out meant danger and reduced survival. At this stage, the hurt is immediate. People feel sadness, anger, and stress. Their sense of belonging, self-worth, control, and meaningful existence are all shaken before they have even had time to think about why it happened.

The second is the reflective stage, when people begin to think about what happened and how to respond. This stage is about coping. Some people try to fit back in — becoming more agreeable, paying closer attention to others, holding back from disagreement, or working harder to be included. Others take the opposite path, trying to assert control or visibility. They may push back, become defiant, or show anger as a way of forcing recognition. Which path someone takes depends on personality and context. Being excluded by one’s own group is harder to dismiss than exclusion by strangers or outsiders. If people believe the exclusion was unfair or unexpected, they are more likely to react with frustration or aggression. If they think it was temporary or unintentional, they may put more effort into compliance and reconciliation.

The third is the resignation stage, which comes when exclusion continues for a long time. People eventually exhaust their resources to cope. They stop trying to regain inclusion or assert themselves, and instead withdraw. Emotions may shut down, leaving numbness rather than sharp pain. People describe feeling like ghosts, invisible and disconnected. Over time, this can deepen into alienation, helplessness, and depression. Interviews with long-term ostracized individuals describe a devastating sense of nonexistence — as though they have been erased from the social world. Some even report suicidal thoughts. This is why persistent exclusion is considered one of the most destructive social experiences.

Why This Matters

Exclusion is not just a minor social inconvenience. It activates the same systems as physical pain, undermines the most basic human needs, and over time can erode mental health. Even short-term exclusion is painful, but long-term exclusion is devastating.

This explains why subtle workplace exclusion — being left out of meetings, not being listened to, having your input ignored — can be more harmful than open conflict.

References

Williams, K. D. (2009). Ostracism: A temporal need-threat model. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology, Vol. 41, pp. 275–314). Elsevier Academic Press. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)00406-1